Me blaming God...

I can't sleep...

So I might as well rant here.

I've been bothered by something lately. And honestly I was having the tendency to blame God for it. That's being brutally honest of me there.

"Why can't I sleep Lord??" I would exclaim... punching the bed.

Why aren't you allowing me to??

And yeah I told myself that I can't blame God. And so I dug deeper, searching for what was really bothering me and cutting me off from my sleep.

Geez... I happily slept at 10pm. Then I suddenly woke up at 1.30am and not being able to sleep any more.

Probably I had energy again to fuel that thing that was pestering me.

I searched, and started to feel fear.
Fear that I was inadequate. That I was not good enough.
I realized I had based myself on the expectations of other people. That I have to be good, I have to love the poor. I have to be good in my studies, I have to be this, I have to be that.

And if I didn't reach any of those expectations I would start to scramble and try my best to do whatever is required but I would fail. I then would start to feel guilty, and feel like a failure.
Like I lost their love for me because I wasn't able to be what they wanted me to be.

I felt my anger escalate and I started to lash back at those things, at all those expectations. I felt like a rebel; "I don't need you to tell me what to do." "I'll do them if I want to." "Stop pushing me around."
(I'm not really the type of person who likes to confront others, so all these were going on in me.)

Look, sorry I can't live up to your expectations ok... I just wanted to feel loved.

I already knew that God loved me just as I am. But it was just very recent that I have started to take it to heart.

So it can't be God's fault for what was going on in me.

And so I had two conflicting things. God loving me just as I am, and the other saying that I have to be good and all that stuff or else I won't be loved.

I realized that I have been chasing those things for love when I actually already had love in me. Just like those cartoon characters with a carrot dangling in front of him and he keeps chasing it never to actually catch it.

From there I realized that I had learned to place high expectations on myself. (And probably on others as well.) Disguising them as "I have to aim high." "High goals" Then I would look at myself and feel like a failure for not reaching those 'high goals'.

Chasing something, and the harder I went after it the more elusive it got.

I don't want to do something out of somebody's expectation, or anything at all...

I recently learned that God loves me just as I am, even if I wake up in the morning and I haven't done anything good, He still loves me.
I don't have to do anything good and He will still love me.

So you ask me... Why then be good? Why not just be bad? Since He will still love me anyway.

Because I have tasted and felt His Love, It is hard not to be good or not to do good.
(Originally from Bo Sanchez's talk -"How to mature in your spirit.")

It is His Love that will transform me, I just have to accept and receive it. Grace...

Therefore I want to do things out of love, to give love, and not to be the one chasing it.
To overflow with love, and that love will bless the people around me.

Love,
Gabby "The life giver"

"The Secret Of Staying in Love" John Powell S,J - A Book Review

“The Secret of Staying in Love” by John Powell, S.J. is not exactly what you initially think it is about, just by looking at the title. I always used to say so when people started teasing me when they saw the cover of this book. But while it is true that it contains the secrets of staying in love, I want to stress that it isn't merely about tips and tricks of how to stay in love on a shallow level. I’d say this is the ultimate book on how to stay in love WITH your spouse or anyone you’re very close with.


It’s funny because here I am, a young adult to be, reading this kind of book. Sometimes, I think I get ahead of myself. Anyway, enough about me, more on the book. Powell starts with the individual person, on the celebration of being you and a lot on self-esteem and having a good self-image.

What struck me the most was that to love others, you must equally love yourself. “True love of others is premised on a true love of self.” I was really struck by that, as I had previously learned differently -- to forget self and just love others. But here’s a book saying something totally different. As Jesus Himself says, love others as you love yourself. So, if you can’t love yourself, it will be hard for you to love others effectively.


Radical isn’t it? The book also explains how selfishness is the very opposite of self-love. It is a form of insatiable greediness. The book also challenges the reader to confront himself by asking, “What are my true feelings? When I hear someone being complimented, why do I say, ‘Don’t tell him. It might go to his head.’? Why don't I want others to be happy with themselves?”

The book goes on to explain how this lack of self-appreciation really affects everybody. It hinders us from true and effective loving, as we seek to distract ourselves from this pain, resulting in addictions and other problematic circumstances. Then Powell explains how this can lead to what you call “fake” love. He goes on to explains what Love really is, as opposed to what it was thought to be previously.

Then comes the biggie. The secret of staying in love. I won’t tell you what it is, or else you wouldn’t read the book... Haha. One thing’s for sure, I never really thought of it that way. This 'secret' really brings people closer together. And it actually makes sense that you must love yourself just as much in order to be able to apply this secret of staying in love with another.

Powell really strikes where it matters most, and brilliantly weaves the book together starting fundamentally from the individual to the couple staying in love. This book is full of wisdom, and will definitely change the mindset of the person reading the book.


I whole-heartedly recommend this book to those who are married, going to get married, those preparing for the future, or heck, even people who decide to live the celibate life. It's a book to be read, to absorb, and be blessed by.

Enjoy =)